1 00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:10,051 ["Everybody Needs A Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 2 00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:16,266 ? My words are lazy ? ? My thoughts are hazy ? 3 00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,519 ? But this is one thing ? ? I'm sure of ? 4 00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:23,189 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 5 00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:25,775 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 6 00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:29,237 [???] 7 00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:35,869 -Man. I can't believe we're halfway through senior year. 8 00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:38,955 -Yeah, time flies when you're stoned fifteen hours a day. 9 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:41,249 -Everyone sure has changed since we got here. 10 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,126 I mean, Clive's even got a beard now. 11 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,211 Ted: He looks like Chuck Norris quit karate 12 00:00:45,253 --> 00:00:47,589 and started calling himself Charles Norris. 13 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,924 -He looks like an admiral who defies the President's order 14 00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:51,217 to nuke a Russian sub. 15 00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,053 -He looks like a man of letters 16 00:00:53,094 --> 00:00:56,931 who sexually satisfied Barbra Streisand in 1978. 17 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,600 -You know who hasn't changed at all? 18 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:00,310 -Who? -Me. 19 00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:03,229 I'm the same fucking loser I was the day I walked in here. 20 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:04,397 You know, I'm gonna go to college 21 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:05,565 having never had a girlfriend. 22 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,816 How fucking lame is that? 23 00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:08,068 -What about Bethany? 24 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:09,069 -No, I'm talking about, 25 00:01:09,110 --> 00:01:10,653 like, a real relationship. 26 00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:13,073 Everyone in school's got it figured out, but not me. 27 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:14,741 I'm the last single guy left. 28 00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,785 I mean, the jocks have the cheerleaders. 29 00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:18,244 Andrew's got Polly. 30 00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:19,913 Even all the gay kids have carpal tunnel 31 00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:21,247 from giving each other handjobs. 32 00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:23,792 -I can't believe Blue Cross covers that. 33 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,503 Hey, what about Erin? She's single. 34 00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,130 And remember, Susan told us she's not a total bitch. 35 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,924 -God, she's so fucking hot. 36 00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,134 Never happen, though. She doesn't date dorks. 37 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,386 -Hey, you never know. 38 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,596 Maybe she's sick of guys with lots of confidence, 39 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,807 chiseled jaws, and huge dicks. 40 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,934 -I'm too nervous to even masturbate to her. 41 00:01:40,975 --> 00:01:43,311 I get self-conscious and I got performance anxiety. 42 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:46,106 Lately, I can only jerk off to people who are lesser than me. 43 00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,108 -Who? -Lot of Tammy Faye Baker 44 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:49,317 and homeless women. 45 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:50,777 -Ah. 46 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,487 [???] 47 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,116 -Hey, what about NYU? 48 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:57,951 -Don't pick nothing too expensive. 49 00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,662 -Don't worry, Matty. John's not getting into college. 50 00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:02,956 -Hey, why not? I got a 2.6. 51 00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:04,708 -Colleges don't just look at your grades. 52 00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:07,293 They also consider your extracurricular activities. 53 00:02:07,335 --> 00:02:08,712 You have zero. 54 00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:10,380 -Oh, my God. John, she�s right. 55 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:11,715 It says "Activities," 56 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:13,550 and then there's eight blank lines. 57 00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:15,885 -Who the hell does eight lines worth of stuff? 58 00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,554 -Tim Allen. 59 00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:19,389 -People who actually go to college. 60 00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:23,309 I mean, I did debate, newspaper, swimming, volleyball. 61 00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:25,395 -But John can't do any of those things. 62 00:02:25,437 --> 00:02:27,188 He's just a boy. 63 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,690 -I could swim if there's an adult. 64 00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,694 [???] 65 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:36,322 -There's no way to bullshit ourselves, Susan. 66 00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:38,324 We're in real financial trouble here. 67 00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:41,494 -Well, you'll pull us through, Matty. You always do. 68 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,329 -I don't know. Not this time. We're not gonna-- 69 00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:44,497 We're not gonna stay above water, 70 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,041 let alone pay for college 71 00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:47,667 unless I find other work. 72 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,169 And you know whose fucking fault it is? 73 00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:51,087 -Oh, please don't say it's yours. 74 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,172 -Course not. 75 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:53,173 It's fucking Clinton. 76 00:02:53,214 --> 00:02:54,674 -Oh. -Yeah. Why-- 77 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:55,675 Why's he telling everybody 78 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,093 they should go to college anyhow? 79 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,346 Like I want to blow twenty-five grand 80 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,680 so my son can turn gay? 81 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,682 -It should be cheaper to do that. 82 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,351 -I always thought John could get a job 83 00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:06,519 or-- or get drafted like I did, 84 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:07,771 but there aren't even any good wars. 85 00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:10,190 -This whole thing's my fault. 86 00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:12,275 I've been spending like a society girl, 87 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:15,195 getting all my oil from Olay. 88 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:16,863 I can find cheaper sources. 89 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,865 -No. Don't ever say that. 90 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,450 You deserve the best skincare 91 00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:22,243 that Filene's Basement can offer. 92 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,288 I'll find a job to pull us through to spring. 93 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:29,084 -I saw a deer today. 94 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,335 -I don't want to get involved. 95 00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:35,423 [???] 96 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,219 John: Jesus Christ. 97 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,054 This is what it takes to get into college? 98 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,472 These all look fucking awful. 99 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:43,598 -Math club? -No. 100 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:44,724 -Lacrosse? -No. 101 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:45,558 -Soccer? -No. 102 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,476 -Astronomy? -No. 103 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:47,394 -Did the Holocaust happen? 104 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:48,311 -No. Oh, wait! No! 105 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,604 -Ah, too late. -No. No, man. 106 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:50,897 Fuck you. -Too late, too late. 107 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,148 You're a monster. I'm telling everybody. 108 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,317 -Fuck you. Oh, hey, look at this. 109 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:57,070 "Audition for Camelot. A Royal Delight!" 110 00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,072 -Huh. What do you think? 111 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:01,241 -Well, if I try out, would you audition with me? 112 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:03,076 -Sure. -How hard could acting be? 113 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,619 I mean, John Travolta does it. 114 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,079 -Skeet Ulrich makes a living at it. 115 00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:08,164 -There's no way Tom Arnold does something we can't do. 116 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:09,624 -Matt LeBlanc seems to get by. 117 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:10,917 -Someone's paying Kevin Costner. 118 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,293 -Christian Slater sticks around. 119 00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:13,586 -There's always plenty of Charlie Sheen. 120 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,588 -Craig T Nelson owns a house from acting. 121 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:17,090 -I can act. -You can act. 122 00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:18,633 [???] 123 00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:23,930 -So, are you familiar with this location? 124 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,099 -Yeah. My dad died in here. 125 00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:27,475 -Oh. Sweet. 126 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,644 So why do you think you're qualified to work 127 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:32,272 in a fast-paced environment with real growth opportunities 128 00:04:32,313 --> 00:04:33,481 like Dunkin' Donuts? 129 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,608 -I eat donuts and I know what coffee is. 130 00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:38,111 -That's basically it. Welcome to the team. 131 00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,030 It's $4.25 an hour plus tips. 132 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,823 -Do a lot of people give tips? 133 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:44,159 -It's never happened once, but it might. 134 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,660 I should get you a shirt. 135 00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,830 -Jesus Christ. I gotta wear pink? 136 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:51,124 -Everybody does. It's how the cops know who not to shoot 137 00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:52,500 if anything goes down. 138 00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:56,004 Ah. We got a Marty. That's close enough. 139 00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:00,967 [piano playing] 140 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:04,137 -[singing off-key] ? Tell me how am I supposed ? 141 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:08,475 ? To live without you? ? 142 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:13,938 ? Now that I've been ? ? Loving you so long ? 143 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:21,321 ? How am I supposed ? ? To live without you? ? 144 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,031 -Okay. Okay. 145 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,825 Thank you, Kenneth. I think that's plenty. 146 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:28,536 Thank you. Um, you can go. 147 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:31,373 -Oh. Well, are you leaning one way or the other 148 00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:33,750 in regards to my inclusion in the play? 149 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,669 -Cast list goes up on Monday. 150 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,379 -Okay. Thank you. 151 00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:40,924 -Poor Kenneth. He auditions for the play every year 152 00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:42,175 and he never gets cast. 153 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,010 -Yeah, I overheard Principal Bernard saying 154 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,012 they're worried about his long term self-esteem 155 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,347 and they may have to shoot him. 156 00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:49,015 -Well, it's better than letting him suffer. 157 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:49,891 -Yeah. 158 00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,976 Hey, Johnny. Look. 159 00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,729 [piano playing] 160 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:56,773 -Holy shit, it's Erin. 161 00:05:57,816 --> 00:06:03,905 -? Kiss today goodbye ? 162 00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:07,117 ? The sweetness ? ? And the sorrow ? 163 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,868 -Fuck, she sounds really great. 164 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,037 -And she's pretty, so it means more. 165 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:19,087 -? Wish me luck ? ? The same to you ? 166 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:25,885 ? Won't forget ? ? Can't regret what I did ? 167 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:29,389 -Hey, Teddy. If Erin and I were both in the play, 168 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,433 then I would get to spend every day with her. 169 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:35,645 [audience clapping] 170 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:37,897 -Erin, that was lovely. Thank you. 171 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,649 -Thank you. 172 00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:42,902 -Okay. John Benet. 173 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:44,904 -Oh, it's, um-- It's Bennett. 174 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,741 -Of course. Sorry. I spent the summer in Paris. 175 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:48,742 Come on up. 176 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,368 -All right, buddy, go fuck 'em up. 177 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,331 -Okay. 178 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:57,751 I will be performing 179 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,419 the "Not without my daughter" scene 180 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:00,837 from Not Without My Daughter. 181 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,839 [sniffs, clears throat] 182 00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:06,134 Not without my daughter! 183 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:08,470 Thank you. 184 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:11,598 -Okay. Thank you. 185 00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:14,476 Next, uh, Ted. 186 00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:20,899 -Good job, man. That was powerful. 187 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,696 Hi. Uh, Ted Bennett. Two feet five inches. 188 00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:28,531 I am locally based, SAG eligible, 189 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,158 and I will not shave. 190 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,828 Okay, I will be performing the theme from the Gummi Bears. 191 00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:37,624 [theme music from Adventures of the Gummi Bears playing] 192 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:41,044 ? Dashing and daring ? ? Courageous and caring ? 193 00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:44,506 ? Faithful and friendly ? ? With stories to share ? 194 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:45,965 ? All through the forest ? -[lip-syncing] 195 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,801 Ted: ? They sing out in chorus ? 196 00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:51,346 ? Marching along ? ? As their song fills the air ? 197 00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,306 ? Gummi bears ? 198 00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:56,226 ? Bouncing here and there ? ? And everywhere ? 199 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:59,979 ? High adventure ? ? That's beyond compare ? 200 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:03,316 ? They are the Gummi bears ? 201 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:06,820 ? They are the Gummi bears! ? 202 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:07,946 Thank you very much. 203 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,993 -I have a question. 204 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:16,579 Have either one of you ever seen a play before? 205 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:17,706 -No. -No, we have not. 206 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:19,708 [???] 207 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,337 John: Well, how much longer do you think it'll be? 208 00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,880 -I don't know. He said 10 a.m. 209 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,716 -Well, maybe we just leave and come back later. 210 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,426 -Nah, this way, we can beat the crowd. 211 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:30,802 Ah. Johnny, look. 212 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,683 -Okay, let's check it out. 213 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:37,851 -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! 214 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:40,311 -What? -Football jocks. 215 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,273 John: Oh, shit. -What do we do? 216 00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:45,066 -All right. All right, here's what we do. 217 00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,735 We walk by casually, 218 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,361 and we check the list without stopping. 219 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,696 -Okay. Good plan. 220 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:50,613 -Here we go. 221 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:55,076 [students chattering indistinctly] 222 00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,121 Guard number one! 223 00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,289 -Guard number two! 224 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:01,708 -Hey! They�re in the play! -Get 'em! 225 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,543 -Oh, shit! -[Ted whimpers] 226 00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:04,461 John: Shit! 227 00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:06,254 [both whimpering] 228 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,714 John: Oh, my God! 229 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,591 -Oh, man, are they gonna get it. 230 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:12,052 -So can you understand why what you did was wrong? 231 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:13,887 -I guess. I-- 232 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,972 I mean, I'm still struggling to understand 233 00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,725 how our involvement in the play affects you. 234 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,935 -Well, it's just, when you're public about it, 235 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,063 and I see you doing something like checking the cast list, 236 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:25,482 it puts me in a position where I have to act. 237 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:26,733 -Where you have to come beat us up. 238 00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:27,776 Cameron: Exactly. 239 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,277 To see students involved in the arts 240 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,571 is just really kind of a nonstarter for me. 241 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,281 It makes me uncomfortable. -All of us. 242 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:34,240 [jocks agreeing in unison] 243 00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:35,909 -We're all uncomfortable. 244 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,410 And I just feel like school should be 245 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,995 a non-threatening environment, 246 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:40,163 and we should feel safe. 247 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:41,915 -And our participation in the play 248 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:43,416 makes you feel unsafe. 249 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,418 -Deeply. I mean, that's all I'm saying. 250 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,087 And I just don't think that's fair. 251 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:48,505 -I guess when you put it that way. 252 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,090 -We were wrong. -We were wrong. Yeah. 253 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:52,008 -I apologize. Yeah. -Yeah. Me, too. I-- I-- 254 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,594 The last thing we want to do is make anyone feel uncomfortable. 255 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:56,805 -Okay, well, thank you for understanding. 256 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,348 -Oh, no. God, don't mention it. 257 00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:00,350 -[chuckles] I�ve had this go so many different ways. 258 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:01,851 I've had to beat up so many people 259 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,269 with so many diverse interests. 260 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,688 -Oh, listen, we do not want to add 261 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,523 to your already full plate. Really. 262 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,316 -I appreciate that. -We'll be more discreet. 263 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:09,943 -Thank you. Really. 264 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,986 -Okay. You have a good day now. -You, too. 265 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,530 -Thanks. And stay dry. 266 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:14,989 Looks like we might get some drizzle. 267 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,074 -We will. Thanks so much. 268 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,995 This school is so fucking weird. 269 00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:21,996 -Sorry, I forgot. 270 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:24,249 [groans] 271 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:31,006 [???] 272 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,716 -Today we've been talking with some people 273 00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:34,551 who say they are all that, 274 00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:36,136 even though their friends disagree 275 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,721 and say that they're just crap. 276 00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:40,140 Oh, my goodness. 277 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:41,307 [door opens] 278 00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:42,892 [chatter continues on TV] 279 00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,394 -Look at this check, would you? 280 00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:45,895 Huh, you fucking believe it? 281 00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:47,480 I worked 40 hours this week. 282 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,357 You know, this Dunkin' money 283 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:51,317 is only half of what we need to get by. 284 00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:53,653 And we-- And we ain't taking any fucking handouts. 285 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,197 -Maybe I could get a job, too. 286 00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,533 -You? Who's gonna make dinner? 287 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,493 -I'd still cook dinner. 288 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:01,536 -Who's gonna do the laundry? 289 00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:02,746 -Well, I would. 290 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,998 -Who's gonna vacuum? -Me. 291 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:05,999 -Well, as long as we're still splitting 292 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,584 everything equally, then sure. 293 00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:10,253 -Do they need any more help at the Dunkin' Donuts? 294 00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:11,838 -They still got the sign up. 295 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,174 -Well, maybe I could be your little helper. 296 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:17,594 You and me, side by side, 297 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,722 making the donuts and the coffee. 298 00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:22,015 Be so romantic. 299 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,892 -Yeah, great. Hey, do me a favor 300 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:26,061 and boil a paperclip. I got a wart on my toe. 301 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,733 [???] 302 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,696 -No, no, no, no. Lancelot, Guenevere, 303 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,365 you two are supposed to be in love, okay? 304 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:39,866 I'm not feeling any passion here. 305 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,702 -Okay, sorry. She's giving me absolutely nothing. 306 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,412 -Excuse me? I'm literally 307 00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,373 pouring my guts out in this scene. 308 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,375 -Oh, that's what that smell was. 309 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,877 -Fuck you. -Okay. Okay, let's-- 310 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,088 Let's let's do some basic warm up exercises here. 311 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,172 We'll clear our heads. 312 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,550 -Uh, Erin, I thought you were great. 313 00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,636 -Oh, thanks. I feel so much better now. 314 00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:01,721 -Hey, it's pretty cool that we get to work together 315 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:02,931 for the next few weeks, huh? 316 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,058 -Let me nip this in the bud right now. 317 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,935 Not interested in whatever it is 318 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,478 that you're trying to get going here, 319 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,813 so just stay out of my way, 320 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:12,399 Guard number one or two or whatever. 321 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,109 -He's number one. I'm number two. 322 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,236 Also, speaking of number two, 323 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:19,072 sorry again about that time I shit all over you in class. 324 00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:20,073 -Fuck off, bear. 325 00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:21,783 -Okay. Erin, Nathan. 326 00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:24,411 Let's try a repetition exercise, okay? 327 00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:25,662 We'll start with something simple. 328 00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:27,831 Maybe "I like your shirt." 329 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:29,791 Say that back and forth to each other. 330 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,835 See if you can generate any emotion. 331 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,838 -I like your shirt. 332 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:36,798 -I like your shirt. -I like your shirt. 333 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,091 -Thank you. It's Ralph Lauren. 334 00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,677 -No. No, that's not how it's done. 335 00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:42,012 Look, someone else try. 336 00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:44,139 John, Ted. Our two guards. You guys go. 337 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,557 -This ought to be good. 338 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,310 -Uh, okay. 339 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:50,645 I like your shirt. 340 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:51,938 -I like your shirt. 341 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,106 -I love your shirt. 342 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,774 -I fucking lied. I hate your shirt. 343 00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:56,276 -You hate my shirt? Fuck you! 344 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,944 -Fuck you and your fucking shirt! 345 00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,320 -Don't talk about my shirt. 346 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,613 I'll fucking kill you, motherfucker! 347 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:01,740 -I'll fucking kill you 348 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,450 and fuck your shirt, you piece of shit! 349 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,701 Fuck you! -[Ted grunts] 350 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:07,620 [both straining] 351 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,289 -Aren't you gonna-- -[shushing] 352 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,791 Ted: I'll use your shirt to choke you out like a bitch! 353 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:14,627 John: I�ll strangle you and your whole fucking family! 354 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:16,546 -[John groans] -I�ll fucking use your baby son 355 00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,798 as a club to beat your fucking mother! 356 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,176 -I never knew my mother! 357 00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:25,972 -You never knew your mother? 358 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:29,267 -No. I never knew my mother. 359 00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,645 Or any of my aunts. 360 00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:36,316 -Oh, Sydney, I'm so sorry! I had no idea. 361 00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:38,651 His name was Sydney in the exercise. 362 00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:40,236 [laughing] 363 00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:44,157 -Now that, that is acting. 364 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:45,575 -I'm not even wearing a shirt. 365 00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:46,868 -Okay, everybody, let's take five. 366 00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,536 I gotta go over some notes with the stage crew. 367 00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,500 -Hey. -Hey. 368 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,795 -That was actually good. What you and Ted just did. 369 00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:58,546 -Thank you. 370 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,173 -How, um-- 371 00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:01,341 How'd you do that? 372 00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,760 -Oh, well, I watch a lot of movies, 373 00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:06,596 and I figured that all acting's basically just yelling, 374 00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,056 whispering, or crying. 375 00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,183 So I just picked one of those three things 376 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,393 before I said anything. 377 00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:14,229 -Huh. That actually might work. 378 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,897 Thanks, John. 379 00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:21,277 -What a fucking cunt, right? 380 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:23,905 Hey, should we start a massage train? 381 00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:28,952 [???] 382 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:34,791 -Okay. Susan, I'm gonna show you our employee orientation video. 383 00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,960 -Oh, I'm so excited. 384 00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:40,088 I haven't seen a movie in seventeen years. 385 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,256 -All right. 386 00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:42,590 [jingle playing on TV] 387 00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:50,974 -Here's your fresh dozen. 388 00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:53,518 Thanks for coming to Dunkin' Donuts. 389 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:57,272 -Smells delicious. Thank you. 390 00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:02,485 -Hi. And welcome to the Dunkin' Donuts family. 391 00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:06,239 At Dunkin' Donuts, the customer always comes first. 392 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:09,117 There are Dunkin' dos and Dunkin' don'ts. 393 00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:11,453 Let's look at a typical situation. 394 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,957 -Hello. I'd like a dozen of the chocolate glazed donuts. 395 00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:20,628 -We're out of those Also, my shift just ended. 396 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,505 [scoffs] 397 00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:23,381 director: Go! 398 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,970 -I'm not sure that customer 399 00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:31,139 will ever want to come back again. 400 00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:35,101 Now let's look at the right way to handle the question. 401 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,021 -Hello. I'd like a dozen of the chocolate glazed donuts. 402 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:40,648 -Good choice. You picked one of my favorites. 403 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,817 I'll get them boxed and ready right away. 404 00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:45,278 Also, can I suck your cock for you? 405 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,363 -Oh, God damn it! 406 00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:47,614 Sorry. Sorry. 407 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,866 That was clearly a Jeffrey prank. 408 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:51,409 He was fired last month. 409 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,953 But actually, everything before the cock thing was correct. 410 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,706 So, look, just be nice to the customers 411 00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,541 and greet them with a smile. Can you do that? 412 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:00,627 -Oh, I love smiling. 413 00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:02,295 I'm always looking for new things 414 00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:05,173 and people to smile at. -Jesus Christ. 415 00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:08,093 -Matty, let's see your best customer smile. 416 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:10,804 [sighs] 417 00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:12,514 -Isn't this exciting? 418 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:17,060 You and me, side by side, bringing donuts to the people. 419 00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,312 -You should know, there's a guy with a hole in his cheek. 420 00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:21,898 Comes in every morning. Just puts the donut right in. 421 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,149 It's horrible to watch. 422 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:26,194 -Oh, my. 423 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:28,530 [indistinct chatter] 424 00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:32,158 [piano playing] 425 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:40,208 both [harmonizing]: ? That we may love once more ? 426 00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:45,005 -And here we'll do the big kissies. 427 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,840 But let's wait until the actual show. 428 00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,258 We don't want to waste the chemistry. 429 00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:49,509 -Guard number one, what are you doing? 430 00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:50,552 You're too far downstage. 431 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,929 -Oh. Uh, right. 432 00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:56,099 Um, Guenevere is married to King Arthur, 433 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,684 so I figure as Guard number one, 434 00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,519 I'm probably not too happy about Lancelot hitting on her. 435 00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:01,521 So I'm up here getting ready to... 436 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:03,690 [grunts] ...you know, defend the state or whatever. 437 00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:05,525 -Yeah. No. Step back onto your mark. 438 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,360 -Wait. Actually, I like that. What he said. 439 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,279 At least somebody's treating me like royalty. 440 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,239 -[scoffs] Honey, you think you're all that, 441 00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:12,282 but you're just crap. 442 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,117 -Hey, that's our fucking queen, pal. 443 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:16,745 -Listen, I gotta rehearse some swordplay with Arthur. 444 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,539 -Okay, go. We'll move on to the Mordred scene. 445 00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:21,082 [scoffs] 446 00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:23,710 -You know, you're the only one in this play 447 00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:25,420 who's actually giving me anything to work with. 448 00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:26,421 -Really? 449 00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:27,964 -Yeah, it's funny. 450 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,424 Whenever I want to get into character, 451 00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:30,633 I just look at you, 452 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,302 because you're staring at me all wide eyed. 453 00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:35,889 -Oh. Uh, sorry if I'm being creepy. 454 00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,557 -Believe it or not, it's helping. 455 00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:39,559 Makes me feel like an actual queen. 456 00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,895 -Well, that, uh, that makes sense, then, 457 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:44,397 because you are kind of like the queen of the school. 458 00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:47,275 -Do you want to run lines with me after rehearsal? 459 00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,319 I have a few scenes I'm shaky on, 460 00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:51,404 and Nathan's always trying on wigs. 461 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:52,906 -[chuckles] Yeah. 462 00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,574 Yeah, definitely. For sure. 463 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:55,617 -Cool. 464 00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,494 -I live to serve, milady. 465 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,663 [laughs] 466 00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,753 -So Lancelot and Arthur are fucking. 467 00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:08,797 I saw 'em wiping their dicks on the velvet curtain. 468 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,423 You want to go get burgers? 469 00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:12,217 [???] 470 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:18,598 -Okay. [claps hands] Everybody, gather around. 471 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,974 I've got huge news. 472 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,851 -Are the pumpkin munchkins coming back? 473 00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,436 -No, those were a complete disaster 474 00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,854 and they got a lot of people fired. 475 00:18:24,896 --> 00:18:26,856 What is happening is President Clinton 476 00:18:26,898 --> 00:18:28,858 is visiting Framingham next week... 477 00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,318 -[gasps] -...and he'll be stopping by 478 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,695 this store. -What? 479 00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:33,029 The news is gonna be here, too. 480 00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:35,699 So, uh, Jurgis, if you could look American, 481 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:36,616 that'd be great, buddy. 482 00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:40,662 [speaking Latvian] 483 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,664 -Holy shit. 484 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,833 This-- This is gonna be the best fucking day of my life. 485 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,710 -I thought you hated the President. 486 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:47,794 -Don't you see, Susan? 487 00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,295 This-- This is gonna be my chance 488 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,214 to rip that fucking shithead a new asshole 489 00:18:51,256 --> 00:18:52,966 with the whole world watching. 490 00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:55,635 -Remember when that happened to me when I had John? 491 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:58,471 -This is a great fucking day for America! 492 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,306 -At least I got to ride in a helicopter. 493 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,142 -All right, pal. What'll it be? 494 00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:04,144 -Can I get a powdered donut and a tea? 495 00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:06,563 -I'm not making tea for a guy. 496 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:07,856 [???] 497 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,527 -Come away with me, Guenevere. 498 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:14,195 -Surely you know I can't. 499 00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:17,532 -And because you can't, you shan't? 500 00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:20,660 -I have taken an oath before God to be with Arthur. 501 00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:24,497 -Then shan't I ne'er you e'er? 502 00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:29,836 No. Farewell forever, my fair-- 503 00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:32,380 my fair Lancelot. 504 00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:35,342 -Wow! That was so good. -Really? 505 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,843 -Oh, my God. You guys were-- That was great. 506 00:19:36,885 --> 00:19:38,928 That was like a Folgers commercial. 507 00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:40,555 -Cool. 508 00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:43,183 So are you excited about the show? 509 00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:44,392 It's only a week away. 510 00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:45,727 -Well, yeah, I guess, 511 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,437 but you're the one with the big starring role. 512 00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:49,356 -Yeah, me and Johnny just got to stand there. 513 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:52,734 -Our whole job is to just not poop for those two hours. 514 00:19:53,777 --> 00:19:55,236 But, uh, what about you? 515 00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,364 I mean, I never pegged you as a theater girl. 516 00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,865 What with being a cheerleader and all. 517 00:19:58,907 --> 00:20:02,577 -Secret's out. [chuckles] I really want to be an actress. 518 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:05,538 In fact, my dad is paying a video guy five hundred bucks 519 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,540 to tape the show for my Emerson application. 520 00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,125 No pressure, right? [chuckles] 521 00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,753 -Wow. That-- That actually sounds like a lot of pressure. 522 00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:14,589 I hope you don't blow it all with one small mistake. 523 00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:16,549 -Well, hey, if you need to be reminded 524 00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:17,884 that you're a queen up there, 525 00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:20,095 you just look at me. I got you. 526 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:21,763 -Thanks, John. 527 00:20:21,805 --> 00:20:23,640 -John, I need to measure you for your armor. 528 00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:25,725 -Oh. Yeah, all right. 529 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,394 -Hey, um, 530 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,270 do you want to hang out after the show? 531 00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,899 We could celebrate or drown our sorrows, 532 00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,234 depending on the reviews. 533 00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:36,903 -I-- I-- I think I might be free. 534 00:20:36,945 --> 00:20:38,780 -He has no plans ever. He'll do it. 535 00:20:39,531 --> 00:20:41,032 -Great. See you then. 536 00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:45,829 -Holy shit. John, you just got a date 537 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:47,497 with the hottest girl in school. 538 00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:48,915 -Yeah, I guess I did. 539 00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:52,168 -The humiliation of being a nobody is finally over. 540 00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:56,172 -Hey, I need the smallest codpiece we have for John. 541 00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:57,590 wardrobe assistant: What about the extra, extra, 542 00:20:57,632 --> 00:20:58,925 extra small ones? 543 00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:01,428 -No, those are still too big. 544 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,972 Call the company and see if they can specially make 545 00:21:04,014 --> 00:21:07,642 a smaller codpiece than they've ever made before. For John. 546 00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:08,852 -It's all right. No one even knows 547 00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:10,103 which John he's talking about. 548 00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:13,523 -For John Bennett of 48, Clifford Lane, 549 00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,401 who has an extremely small crotch measurement. 550 00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:20,488 -I hate the crew. 551 00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,577 [???] 552 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:34,794 -Matty, is everything okay? 553 00:21:34,836 --> 00:21:35,962 -Yeah, why? 554 00:21:36,004 --> 00:21:37,714 -Because you're not screaming. 555 00:21:37,756 --> 00:21:41,009 -That's 'cause today is the day I finally stick it up the ass 556 00:21:41,051 --> 00:21:42,635 of your President, Slick Willie. 557 00:21:42,677 --> 00:21:45,513 -You're-- You're-- You're gonna do anal to Bill Clinton? 558 00:21:45,555 --> 00:21:47,307 -You're goddamn right I am. 559 00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:50,643 And I'm gonna say, "Hey, thanks for creating so many new jobs, 560 00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,520 because now I got two of 'em." -Cool. 561 00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:54,689 I saw the political cartoon you stole that from. 562 00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:56,316 Then-- Then I'm gonna tell him-- I'm gonna say, 563 00:21:56,358 --> 00:21:58,651 "See you on the unemployment line, asshole. 564 00:21:58,693 --> 00:22:00,403 Because now that we got NAFTA, 565 00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:03,323 we can hire a Mexican President for 60% off." 566 00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:05,325 -Why would you be on the unemployment line? 567 00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:06,868 You just said you have two jobs. 568 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:07,994 -That's only for the first joke. 569 00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:09,245 And then when he's walking off 570 00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:10,663 with his tail between his legs, 571 00:22:10,705 --> 00:22:11,998 I'm gonna go-- I'm gonna go, 572 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,500 "Hey, what am I, the draft? 573 00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:14,959 'Cause you're dodging me." 574 00:22:16,086 --> 00:22:17,420 -What about you, Aunt Suse? 575 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:18,838 Are you excited to meet the President? 576 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,382 -I'm more excited about 577 00:22:20,423 --> 00:22:23,677 my baby's first big show this Friday. 578 00:22:23,718 --> 00:22:26,012 -It's not that big a deal, Ma. We don't have any lines. 579 00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:27,931 I don't think the audience is even gonna notice us. 580 00:22:27,972 --> 00:22:30,850 -Still, you're so brave to get up there with all those eyes 581 00:22:30,892 --> 00:22:33,353 staring at you. -What do you mean? 582 00:22:33,395 --> 00:22:35,438 Well, if I had five hundred people watching me, 583 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,941 I'd be terrified. 584 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:41,027 I don't know how the cast of Nunsense does it every night. 585 00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:43,571 -Five hundred? -Oh, at least. 586 00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:44,698 -All at the same time. 587 00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:46,700 -Oh, honey, the whole town's coming. 588 00:22:46,741 --> 00:22:48,618 I've told everybody. 589 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,912 My baby, the Broadway star. 590 00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:56,209 [gasps] Oh, Matty, maybe I'll get my tap shoes out tonight. 591 00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:57,877 -I threw 'em away. 592 00:22:57,919 --> 00:23:00,255 [sirens wailing] 593 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,340 [???] 594 00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:06,636 -Remember to say, 595 00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:08,471 "Dunkin' Donuts just off the Mass Pike." 596 00:23:08,513 --> 00:23:09,931 -[scoffs] Don't you worry. 597 00:23:09,973 --> 00:23:11,850 I know exactly what I'm gonna say. 598 00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:15,437 -POTUS is on the move. 599 00:23:15,478 --> 00:23:17,439 Please only let the President have one donut. 600 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,399 [indistinct chatter] 601 00:23:19,441 --> 00:23:21,109 -Matty, isn't this exciting? 602 00:23:21,151 --> 00:23:23,319 Oh my gosh. Here he comes. -[crowd cheering] 603 00:23:23,361 --> 00:23:25,405 -Well, hi there. 604 00:23:25,447 --> 00:23:27,782 Thanks for letting me visit with you this afternoon. 605 00:23:27,824 --> 00:23:30,326 -Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts, Mr. President. 606 00:23:30,368 --> 00:23:32,287 -Well, you must be Miss Massachusetts. 607 00:23:32,328 --> 00:23:35,081 -[chuckling] Oh, dear. 608 00:23:35,123 --> 00:23:38,668 Oh. Mm. Uh, I have to pee. 609 00:23:38,710 --> 00:23:41,254 -Well, gosh, what should I order? 610 00:23:41,296 --> 00:23:43,089 Let's see. Everything looks good. 611 00:23:43,131 --> 00:23:45,300 Any recommendations? -Yeah. 612 00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:49,763 I recommend you-- you do a-- you do a better job. 613 00:23:49,804 --> 00:23:51,598 -Pardon? -You-- 614 00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:53,933 You you're not doing a very good job. 615 00:23:53,975 --> 00:23:56,269 And-- And-- And, yeah. 616 00:23:56,311 --> 00:23:58,188 -Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. 617 00:23:58,229 --> 00:23:59,939 I'd love to know your thoughts. 618 00:23:59,981 --> 00:24:02,442 -Well, the-- 619 00:24:02,484 --> 00:24:05,445 Your economy is bad. 620 00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,364 -Well, I feel your pain, 621 00:24:07,405 --> 00:24:09,657 and I want to hear your grievances. 622 00:24:09,699 --> 00:24:11,785 Listen, would you folks mind giving us a few minutes to talk? 623 00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:13,286 I think he's a little nervous. -[camera shutters clicking] 624 00:24:13,328 --> 00:24:15,955 -Of course, sir. We'll be right outside. 625 00:24:15,997 --> 00:24:18,458 -Now, tell me what you're feeling. 626 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:21,211 -I think you stink. 627 00:24:21,252 --> 00:24:23,463 -And-- And you're-- And you're doing a garbage job. 628 00:24:23,505 --> 00:24:25,715 -Really? -Yeah. 629 00:24:25,757 --> 00:24:27,967 -Well, listen here, you pockmarked piece of shit. 630 00:24:28,009 --> 00:24:29,552 You got some set of fucking balls. 631 00:24:29,594 --> 00:24:31,054 I take time out of my day 632 00:24:31,096 --> 00:24:33,306 to visit your little shit shop and you're giving me lip? 633 00:24:33,348 --> 00:24:35,684 Maybe the real problem is you're just a fucking loser. 634 00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:36,643 -But-- -Fuck you. 635 00:24:36,685 --> 00:24:38,186 Think you're so fucking tough 636 00:24:38,228 --> 00:24:39,479 with your fucking shitbag mouth. 637 00:24:39,521 --> 00:24:41,064 Why don't you take a swing at me, tough guy? 638 00:24:41,106 --> 00:24:42,649 I'll slap you back so hard 639 00:24:42,691 --> 00:24:44,359 you won't even recognize your own fucking dick. 640 00:24:44,401 --> 00:24:46,069 -Um-- -And get a shave, you pig. 641 00:24:46,111 --> 00:24:47,445 The fucking President's here. 642 00:24:47,487 --> 00:24:49,239 Now listen, throw some fucking Munchkins in a bag, 643 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,740 give me a cup of coffee and shake my hand 644 00:24:50,782 --> 00:24:52,242 and smile to the window 645 00:24:52,283 --> 00:24:54,035 so people know we're having a good fucking time. 646 00:24:54,869 --> 00:24:55,704 -Go! 647 00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:03,211 [camera shutters clicking] 648 00:25:03,253 --> 00:25:06,256 -That's right. Keep smiling, you fucking dog's vagina. 649 00:25:07,090 --> 00:25:08,550 All right, they got it. 650 00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:13,888 Coffee's cold, asshole. 651 00:25:15,390 --> 00:25:18,393 -[camera shutters clicking] -[reporters clamoring] 652 00:25:20,103 --> 00:25:22,939 -I meet President, but still not Courteney Cox? 653 00:25:22,981 --> 00:25:24,524 What fuck? 654 00:25:24,566 --> 00:25:28,069 [???] 655 00:25:28,111 --> 00:25:29,529 -Fuck, fuck, fuck. 656 00:25:29,571 --> 00:25:31,906 Dude, the play is in two hours. I can't do this. 657 00:25:31,948 --> 00:25:33,783 -Yes you can. It's gonna go great. 658 00:25:33,825 --> 00:25:35,869 -Why did mom have to get into my fucking head? 659 00:25:35,910 --> 00:25:38,038 Hundreds of people watching. I can't go up there. 660 00:25:38,079 --> 00:25:39,914 I'm gonna panic. -Well, we can always bail. 661 00:25:39,956 --> 00:25:42,709 -Yes. No. No, dude. We can't bail. 662 00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:44,294 Erin is never gonna go out with me, 663 00:25:44,336 --> 00:25:46,046 and she's gonna hate me for the rest of my life. 664 00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:47,380 I mean, you heard her. They're taping the show 665 00:25:47,422 --> 00:25:49,090 for her college application. 666 00:25:49,758 --> 00:25:51,634 -I got an idea. 667 00:25:51,676 --> 00:25:57,474 ? I want to be the girl ? ? With the most cake ? 668 00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:00,769 ? He only loves... ? 669 00:26:00,810 --> 00:26:02,729 -Blaire. -Whoa, dude. 670 00:26:02,771 --> 00:26:05,065 Ever heard of knocking? -Blair, we need your help. 671 00:26:05,106 --> 00:26:07,400 -Aren't you guys supposed to be getting ready for your play? 672 00:26:07,442 --> 00:26:09,110 -Yeah, well, Johnny's having some trouble. 673 00:26:09,152 --> 00:26:10,737 He needs a little, uh, something. 674 00:26:10,779 --> 00:26:12,238 You-- You got anything mellow? 675 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,241 -I thought we already established I'm not your dealer. 676 00:26:15,283 --> 00:26:17,118 -Come on, Blair. Me and Johnny are smoked out. 677 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,411 The cupboard is bare. 678 00:26:18,453 --> 00:26:19,662 -Blair, please. I can't do it. 679 00:26:19,704 --> 00:26:21,164 I can't go out on that stage, all right? 680 00:26:21,206 --> 00:26:22,457 I am too scared. 681 00:26:22,499 --> 00:26:24,292 Please, I'm begging you. 682 00:26:25,001 --> 00:26:29,631 -Okay. You're in luck. Paige made these brownies. 683 00:26:29,673 --> 00:26:31,758 Super mellow. -An edible? 684 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,260 -Yeah, I took one, like, 30 minutes ago, 685 00:26:34,302 --> 00:26:36,471 and I just feel super chill and focused. 686 00:26:36,513 --> 00:26:37,806 Take one right before you go on stage 687 00:26:37,847 --> 00:26:39,140 and you'll float through the play. 688 00:26:39,182 --> 00:26:40,308 -Thank you, Blair. 689 00:26:40,350 --> 00:26:41,810 It's easy to lose sight of, 690 00:26:41,851 --> 00:26:43,645 but drugs are always the solution. 691 00:26:43,687 --> 00:26:45,438 -So, we'll see you at the play? 692 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:46,564 -Absolutely not. 693 00:26:48,066 --> 00:26:50,193 [???] 694 00:26:51,861 --> 00:26:54,114 -All right, you ready? Here we go. 695 00:26:54,155 --> 00:26:55,365 -Yeah, we're eating a brownie, 696 00:26:55,407 --> 00:26:57,367 not going to the fucking moon. Calm down. 697 00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:02,831 -Hey, John. 698 00:27:03,373 --> 00:27:04,207 -Erin. 699 00:27:05,208 --> 00:27:07,335 Wow. [chuckles] You look amazing. 700 00:27:07,377 --> 00:27:09,212 -Thanks. You, too. 701 00:27:09,254 --> 00:27:11,673 I'll see you out there. Remember, you're my rock. 702 00:27:15,510 --> 00:27:17,721 [audience chattering indistinctly] 703 00:27:19,431 --> 00:27:21,224 Ted: Huh, big audience. 704 00:27:21,266 --> 00:27:23,476 -Yeah, who cares? By the time we get out there, 705 00:27:23,518 --> 00:27:24,978 we're gonna be chill as fuck. 706 00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:26,855 -John, you have a phone call. 707 00:27:28,106 --> 00:27:29,315 -Hello? 708 00:27:29,357 --> 00:27:31,651 -Guys, do not eat those brownies! 709 00:27:31,693 --> 00:27:33,737 -What? -They're laced with shrooms 710 00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:35,989 or some shit. I'm in fucking hell right now. 711 00:27:36,031 --> 00:27:37,323 -What's wrong? -She says not to eat 712 00:27:37,365 --> 00:27:38,575 -the brownies. -What? 713 00:27:38,616 --> 00:27:39,576 -We already did. 714 00:27:39,617 --> 00:27:42,495 -No! God. Oh, God. No! 715 00:27:42,537 --> 00:27:43,830 -Oh, God, what's happening to you? 716 00:27:43,872 --> 00:27:46,499 -I have to kill myself as a 500-year-old woman. 717 00:27:46,541 --> 00:27:48,335 Fuck! I can't talk. 718 00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:50,045 When I'm 500, I have to die. 719 00:27:50,086 --> 00:27:52,339 -She's freaking out! What do we do? 720 00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:54,549 -Oh, shit! -What the fuck do we do? 721 00:27:54,591 --> 00:27:55,759 -We gotta throw up. 722 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,427 [both gagging] 723 00:27:57,469 --> 00:28:00,180 -I don't know how girls do this all the time. It's impossible. 724 00:28:00,221 --> 00:28:03,141 -I have no gag reflex. Please don't let that get out. 725 00:28:04,225 --> 00:28:06,895 [indistinct chatter] 726 00:28:07,896 --> 00:28:09,481 -Hey, Matty, I saw you on the news. 727 00:28:10,982 --> 00:28:12,901 -Yeah? -I gotta ask you. 728 00:28:12,942 --> 00:28:14,361 What did you say to the President? 729 00:28:14,402 --> 00:28:16,696 -[scoffs] I-- I-- 730 00:28:16,738 --> 00:28:18,615 I called him a lying piece of shit, 731 00:28:18,656 --> 00:28:20,700 and-- and he almost cried. 732 00:28:20,742 --> 00:28:23,745 Yeah. And then-- And then I-- I threw a coffee at him. 733 00:28:23,787 --> 00:28:25,705 -Really? -Yeah. 734 00:28:25,747 --> 00:28:27,957 I-- I won. 735 00:28:27,999 --> 00:28:29,292 -I like that Dunkin' Donuts. 736 00:28:29,334 --> 00:28:30,919 I saw Courteney Cox there once. 737 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:34,422 -Oh! You need to be joking me! 738 00:28:34,464 --> 00:28:36,091 -Fuck, Teddy. We got ticking time bombs 739 00:28:36,132 --> 00:28:37,217 in our stomachs. 740 00:28:37,258 --> 00:28:38,802 -Okay, let's just calm down here. 741 00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:40,011 How do you feel now? 742 00:28:40,845 --> 00:28:42,806 -Right now, I actually feel fine. 743 00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:46,059 -Me, too. Maybe-- Maybe Blair just can't handle her pot. 744 00:28:46,101 --> 00:28:48,478 -Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. That's what it is. 745 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:50,230 She's a lightweight. Not like us. 746 00:28:50,271 --> 00:28:51,731 We're fucking pot experts. 747 00:28:51,773 --> 00:28:53,441 -Yeah, maybe it won't hit us as hard. 748 00:28:53,483 --> 00:28:55,485 -Guards, thirty seconds. You're on. 749 00:28:59,114 --> 00:29:01,074 -Oh, fuck. 750 00:29:01,116 --> 00:29:02,742 -Dear Guenevere, 751 00:29:02,784 --> 00:29:05,245 your beauty is intoxicating. 752 00:29:05,286 --> 00:29:08,081 -You mustn't say such things within the castle walls. 753 00:29:08,123 --> 00:29:10,000 -I cannot withhold my feelings. 754 00:29:10,041 --> 00:29:12,168 I believe I'm falling in love with you. 755 00:29:12,210 --> 00:29:14,796 -My darling Lancelot, lower your voice. 756 00:29:14,838 --> 00:29:16,798 The guards will hear you! 757 00:29:19,217 --> 00:29:22,429 [loudly] I say, the guards will hear you! 758 00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:23,888 [audience murmuring] 759 00:29:27,142 --> 00:29:28,059 [John exclaims] 760 00:29:31,354 --> 00:29:33,606 -Everyone's staring at us. 761 00:29:33,648 --> 00:29:35,400 -So many eyes. 762 00:29:37,402 --> 00:29:39,946 -I don't know who's in the play anymore. 763 00:29:39,988 --> 00:29:43,116 -I think the people not sitting in chairs are in the play. 764 00:29:43,158 --> 00:29:45,952 -They're gonna know, Teddy. Everyone's watching us. 765 00:29:45,994 --> 00:29:47,620 -They're all gonna know we're on drugs. 766 00:29:47,662 --> 00:29:50,498 -No they're not. Nobody's gonna know we're on drugs. 767 00:29:50,540 --> 00:29:53,001 -Oh, I'm sure they will. They're gonna know we're on drugs. 768 00:29:53,043 --> 00:29:54,794 -No, not if we keep our voices down 769 00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:56,796 and whisper like we're doing right now. 770 00:29:56,838 --> 00:30:00,091 -What an interesting plot twist. 771 00:30:00,842 --> 00:30:03,636 -Lancelot, it-- it is impolitic 772 00:30:03,678 --> 00:30:05,680 for us to carry on in this fashion. 773 00:30:05,722 --> 00:30:08,141 -Line? -You don't have any lines. 774 00:30:08,183 --> 00:30:09,392 -Okay, then I'll improvise. 775 00:30:09,434 --> 00:30:13,063 ALF, you can't eat the cat. It's Christmas. 776 00:30:13,104 --> 00:30:14,189 [John urinating] 777 00:30:15,607 --> 00:30:17,984 -Jesus fucking Christ, are you pissing? 778 00:30:18,026 --> 00:30:21,154 -It's too much pressure! I don't want to grow up! 779 00:30:21,196 --> 00:30:23,323 -He's just a boy, everyone! 780 00:30:23,365 --> 00:30:24,908 -What the fuck are you doing? 781 00:30:24,949 --> 00:30:28,036 -Hey, there is a demon in my butthole, okay? 782 00:30:28,078 --> 00:30:30,038 [grunting] 783 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:31,331 -Line? 784 00:30:31,373 --> 00:30:33,708 [???] 785 00:30:36,419 --> 00:30:38,546 I mean, it could have been worse. 786 00:30:38,588 --> 00:30:40,256 We didn't die. 787 00:30:43,385 --> 00:30:44,844 -Erin. -Fuck you, John. 788 00:30:44,886 --> 00:30:46,429 -Erin, wait. Please. I'm so sorry. 789 00:30:46,471 --> 00:30:48,181 Me and Teddy, we got fed some bad brownies, 790 00:30:48,223 --> 00:30:49,641 and I fucking-- I messed up, okay? 791 00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:52,102 But what we felt in those rehearsals, 792 00:30:52,143 --> 00:30:53,478 that was real, wasn't it? 793 00:30:54,479 --> 00:30:55,689 I mean, it was for me. 794 00:30:55,730 --> 00:30:57,065 -Are you fucking insane? 795 00:30:57,107 --> 00:30:59,401 You just completely and massively fucked me over! 796 00:30:59,442 --> 00:31:02,362 -Maybe we could talk about it down at Friendly's? 797 00:31:02,404 --> 00:31:04,030 [laughs] 798 00:31:04,072 --> 00:31:07,117 -I would literally rather have prison sex with Jeffrey Dahmer. 799 00:31:08,076 --> 00:31:09,202 Goodbye, John. 800 00:31:09,244 --> 00:31:10,495 And fuck you, Ted. 801 00:31:16,584 --> 00:31:18,962 -You know, there's, like, a 10% chance 802 00:31:19,004 --> 00:31:20,255 we're still on stage. 803 00:31:20,797 --> 00:31:23,883 [???] 804 00:31:23,925 --> 00:31:26,594 John: Activities. 805 00:31:26,636 --> 00:31:29,305 Did play. 806 00:31:29,347 --> 00:31:30,932 -Nice. 807 00:31:32,475 --> 00:31:35,437 [???] 808 00:31:35,478 --> 00:31:38,231 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 809 00:31:38,273 --> 00:31:42,569 ? Oh, you've got a headful ? ? Of someone dreadful ? 810 00:31:42,610 --> 00:31:45,613 ? And yet, alas ? ? That someone adores you ? 811 00:31:47,282 --> 00:31:51,077 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 812 00:31:51,119 --> 00:31:53,621 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 813 00:31:53,663 --> 00:31:56,291 ? I'm just a clown ? 814 00:31:57,125 --> 00:32:00,253 ? And I'll bring you down ? 815 00:32:00,295 --> 00:32:02,339 ? But you just don't care ? 816 00:32:02,380 --> 00:32:06,426 ? 'Cause your ? 817 00:32:06,468 --> 00:32:08,845 ? Best friend is me ? 818 00:32:08,887 --> 00:32:11,014 [???] 819 00:32:11,064 --> 00:32:15,614 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0